1
00:00:15,890 --> 00:00:17,930
I don't really want to go.

2
00:00:18,230 --> 00:00:20,970
I mean, they'll all be bright, young
things.

3
00:00:21,190 --> 00:00:22,310
Look at me.

4
00:00:22,510 --> 00:00:24,470
Look at these crow's feet.

5
00:00:24,990 --> 00:00:28,370
Come on, you don't want to worry about
crow's feet. Give it a bit of character.

6
00:00:28,750 --> 00:00:31,290
Do you really think so? I do, honestly.

7
00:00:31,550 --> 00:00:33,450
Go to the party, enjoy yourself.

8
00:00:33,870 --> 00:00:35,930
I bet people won't even notice your
crow's feet.

9
00:00:39,990 --> 00:00:40,990
Yes,

10
00:00:41,670 --> 00:00:43,130
it's the Benny Hill Show.

11
00:00:44,270 --> 00:00:45,450
of your favorite substance.

12
00:00:45,930 --> 00:00:51,710
Bob Cobb, Bella Ember, Henry McGee,

13
00:00:51,930 --> 00:00:58,770
Roger Finch, Jackie Wright, and here he
is, the lad

14
00:00:58,770 --> 00:01:00,850
himself, Benny Hill.

15
00:01:06,700 --> 00:01:10,900
I'm the plow horse. I put his blinkers
on. And I said, come on there, Joey boy.

16
00:01:11,000 --> 00:01:12,220
Come on there, Big John.

17
00:01:12,480 --> 00:01:15,480
Now, come on, Dick, and come on, Harry.
Come on, Jake and Carter.

18
00:01:15,740 --> 00:01:18,760
It makes him think he's got some help,
and he pulls a little harder.

19
00:01:19,520 --> 00:01:21,580
Now, I learned to swim when I was eight.

20
00:01:22,060 --> 00:01:23,060
Down on the port.

21
00:01:23,420 --> 00:01:25,160
The port took me out to the middle of
the lake.

22
00:01:25,460 --> 00:01:28,640
Down on the port. He pushed me out of
the boat, said, son, swim back.

23
00:01:28,900 --> 00:01:31,900
Down on the port. I had a heck of a job
getting out of the sack.

24
00:01:32,240 --> 00:01:33,240
Down on the port.

25
00:01:35,050 --> 00:01:37,170
to the general store and said, do you
sell gasoline?

26
00:01:37,710 --> 00:01:42,030
Axle grease and turpentine, tangles and
creamine, artificial manure and

27
00:01:42,030 --> 00:01:45,570
mothballs. The guy said, would you do,
ma 'am? She said, well, go and wash your

28
00:01:45,570 --> 00:01:47,270
hands and cut me a slice of hair.

29
00:01:48,150 --> 00:01:50,170
She got a brand new hearing aid.

30
00:01:50,610 --> 00:01:53,590
She said it's worth every penny I pay.

31
00:01:54,530 --> 00:02:00,290
Well, I've only had it a week and
yesterday I heard from my sister in

32
00:02:01,990 --> 00:02:03,650
Now our Indians farm...

33
00:02:03,920 --> 00:02:05,640
I said, my wife not true to me.

34
00:02:05,900 --> 00:02:07,420
Me want oranges.

35
00:02:07,700 --> 00:02:09,060
Me plant orange tree.

36
00:02:09,340 --> 00:02:12,340
Me plant corn. Up come corn plant brand.
Up come brand.

37
00:02:12,760 --> 00:02:15,700
Last year me plant Indian and up come
China man.

38
00:02:16,720 --> 00:02:18,800
He's going to stay with us.

39
00:02:19,040 --> 00:02:22,020
Down on the farm. Got my brother Charlie
gutting fuss.

40
00:02:22,420 --> 00:02:25,260
Down on the farm. He's got the one
called Lorna Do.

41
00:02:25,680 --> 00:02:28,940
Down on the farm. I got her sister
nothing do.

42
00:02:29,340 --> 00:02:30,340
Down on the farm.

43
00:03:01,000 --> 00:03:04,700
For a kiss, she said it won't do any
harm. I want to tell the folks I'll be

44
00:03:04,700 --> 00:03:06,460
kissed by the boy who runs the farm.

45
00:03:06,700 --> 00:03:09,700
He'll be a feather in my cap, at least
that's my belief.

46
00:03:10,020 --> 00:03:13,180
I said come into the wigwam and I'll
make you an Indian chief.

47
00:03:14,060 --> 00:03:15,880
That's the end of the little story.

48
00:03:16,520 --> 00:03:19,560
Down on the farm. I met my future mother
-in -law.

49
00:03:19,880 --> 00:03:23,080
Down on the farm. She got the biggest
mouth and old man took it.

50
00:03:23,300 --> 00:03:26,500
Down on the farm. She sleeps with her
false teeth in a bucket.

51
00:03:30,890 --> 00:03:35,730
fever something cruel and lord have
bought me water to try and keep me cool

52
00:03:35,730 --> 00:03:39,770
she stopped bringing water though i was
thirstier in hell i said why you no

53
00:03:39,770 --> 00:03:42,070
bring water she said white man fit on
well

54
00:04:13,520 --> 00:04:14,520
for every game.

55
00:13:08,010 --> 00:13:11,070
that at 9 o 'clock this evening there
will be another short arts program.

56
00:13:12,010 --> 00:13:14,350
Another short arts program.

57
00:13:16,230 --> 00:13:19,230
Another not very long arts program.

58
00:13:19,710 --> 00:13:23,030
This one features Fred Marceau in the
statue.

59
00:14:07,630 --> 00:14:08,690
A lot of old rubbish.

60
00:14:21,710 --> 00:14:24,210
What a load of old codswallop.

61
00:14:24,670 --> 00:14:26,910
Thirty -four pounds of that rubbish.

62
00:14:43,370 --> 00:14:44,470
You're a big Nancy.

63
00:14:45,770 --> 00:14:47,450
What a load of rubbish.

64
00:14:48,610 --> 00:14:49,610
Hold it.

65
00:14:52,170 --> 00:14:53,670
What a load of tripe.

66
00:14:53,970 --> 00:14:58,450
Now, look, I've had just about enough of
you. You know it all.

67
00:14:59,890 --> 00:15:01,090
I mean, we're doing our best.

68
00:15:01,450 --> 00:15:04,830
Well, it's that much good, isn't it? How
very, very dare you.

69
00:15:05,110 --> 00:15:07,970
How do you know I've had my legs insured
for 20 ,000 pounds?

70
00:15:08,250 --> 00:15:09,250
And what did you do with the money?

71
00:15:16,940 --> 00:15:19,740
You know, we don't all like that ballet
and opera stuff.

72
00:15:20,080 --> 00:15:21,700
Well, who's we then? You and your mum?

73
00:15:22,080 --> 00:15:24,820
No. Look, I represent the public.

74
00:15:25,380 --> 00:15:27,560
Oh, did you hear that, everyone?

75
00:15:28,000 --> 00:15:30,620
He represents the public.

76
00:15:30,900 --> 00:15:34,880
And waiting 50 million viewers vote for
you, that's what I'd like to know. But I

77
00:15:34,880 --> 00:15:35,880
never heard about it.

78
00:15:36,140 --> 00:15:39,960
Oh, I tell you, you people don't give
the public what they want.

79
00:15:51,880 --> 00:15:54,220
Everybody wants cricket and crossroads
all the time.

80
00:15:54,580 --> 00:15:57,260
I mean, some people want something a
little more eyebrow.

81
00:15:57,900 --> 00:15:59,140
That's right, here's a don't.

82
00:15:59,760 --> 00:16:03,700
Well, 50 million viewers don't all live
up your street, do they?

83
00:16:03,940 --> 00:16:07,560
The only thing you're good for is a
pantomime horse, and she could be the

84
00:16:07,560 --> 00:16:09,240
end. So what about me, then?

85
00:16:09,460 --> 00:16:10,460
Oh, you just be yourself.

86
00:16:11,240 --> 00:16:14,700
I don't have to listen to this. And I
don't have to listen to this.

87
00:16:15,020 --> 00:16:17,080
Let's see what rubbish is on ITV.

88
00:16:18,900 --> 00:16:20,160
I'm not watching this.

89
00:16:41,550 --> 00:16:45,050
and was in such distress that he
couldn't tell whether he was coming or

90
00:16:45,990 --> 00:16:50,770
The lady doctor asked him to crawl
towards her, and then to crawl away from

91
00:16:50,990 --> 00:16:55,730
He did this, and she said she couldn't
tell whether he was coming or going.

92
00:16:57,310 --> 00:17:01,870
At the Old Vale today, Justice Pendleton
said that law and order in Great

93
00:17:01,870 --> 00:17:03,710
Britain was in a stocking top.

94
00:17:04,230 --> 00:17:06,069
Or was in a shocking state.

95
00:17:21,579 --> 00:17:24,660
He went on to say that he thought it was
adorable.

96
00:17:25,859 --> 00:17:28,220
Deplorable, the way that a crime...

97
00:19:47,210 --> 00:19:52,050
Hey, hey, over here. Yes, I'm the only
one. That's right, I'm the only one.

98
00:19:52,610 --> 00:19:57,170
You see, this whole rotten mess started
in Dungeness when Jock and me went and

99
00:19:57,170 --> 00:19:58,770
signed on for a trip to Sri Lanka.

100
00:19:59,210 --> 00:20:02,430
The captain said, where's the anchor? I
said, no need, it's right there, half a

101
00:20:02,430 --> 00:20:03,430
ton.

102
00:20:07,590 --> 00:20:11,770
She's 19 years old. Her name's Nell. And
I heard myself shout, God, someone will

103
00:20:11,770 --> 00:20:14,310
find out. He said, I know that, but
who's going to tell?

104
00:20:15,910 --> 00:20:20,570
That night there was a gale. The crew
clung to the rail. None was more seasick

105
00:20:20,570 --> 00:20:21,489
than Carruthers.

106
00:20:21,490 --> 00:20:23,730
Then old Dr. Rummock said, you've got a
weak stomach.

107
00:20:24,090 --> 00:20:25,910
He said, I'm chugging it as far as the
others.

108
00:20:31,330 --> 00:20:35,210
Then Nell crawled up on deck with her
dress soaking wet. She said, I'll get

109
00:20:35,210 --> 00:20:36,210
pulmonia and...

110
00:20:38,700 --> 00:20:41,060
Tintosh here, big enough to cover this
poor deer.

111
00:20:41,460 --> 00:20:43,560
Jock said, there's a MacTavish who's
willing to try.

112
00:20:45,800 --> 00:20:50,560
Then the whole ship went down. I said,
mind you don't drown, hang on to a boy

113
00:20:50,560 --> 00:20:51,339
you can.

114
00:20:51,340 --> 00:20:54,420
Nell looked at me coy, she said, you're
not a boy, get away, you're a dirty old

115
00:20:54,420 --> 00:20:55,420
man.

116
00:20:56,620 --> 00:21:01,780
And as we reached the shore, we was
greeted by four great big natives.

117
00:21:02,200 --> 00:21:06,000
One was king, you could tell. An old
Alan Chisholm said, do you practice

118
00:21:06,000 --> 00:21:08,300
cannibalism? He said, no, never.

119
00:21:08,590 --> 00:21:09,690
We do it quite well.

120
00:21:10,990 --> 00:21:14,890
And into the plot they put Charlie Knox,
Harry Dunne and his big brother Davy,

121
00:21:14,890 --> 00:21:16,250
who'd a smile on his lip.

122
00:21:16,450 --> 00:21:19,350
He said, well, we've had our chips, but
at least...

123
00:21:47,150 --> 00:21:48,150
Would you do us a favour?

124
00:21:48,430 --> 00:21:50,510
Would you shout when it starts to boil?

125
00:21:51,490 --> 00:21:54,590
I said, Your Majesty, why did you spare
me?

126
00:21:54,790 --> 00:21:59,070
He said, Well, we've had crews from
liners and freighters, but each time

127
00:21:59,070 --> 00:22:02,090
got an Irish man in the pot, the beggars
get all the potatoes.

128
00:22:04,110 --> 00:22:07,510
It's usually the Irish bloke who is the
butt of a joke.

129
00:22:07,730 --> 00:22:10,090
This time it was the English who
panicked.

130
00:22:10,290 --> 00:22:16,670
I'll be leaving this isle, and I'll be
travelling in style aboard the S. This

131
00:22:16,670 --> 00:22:17,670
toy town!

132
00:22:53,260 --> 00:22:54,260
Fingers, my dear.

133
00:30:16,880 --> 00:30:17,880
You!

134
00:35:16,620 --> 00:35:20,760
there is crime, wherever there is dirty
work afoot.

135
00:35:26,260 --> 00:35:31,740
That is where you'll find the man who
keeps our town clean.

136
00:35:33,920 --> 00:35:40,640
Undercover Sanitary Inspector starring
Dirk Reynolds

137
00:35:40,640 --> 00:35:42,920
as Dan Dan, the laboratory man.

138
00:35:43,760 --> 00:35:44,900
Simple serpent.

139
00:35:45,610 --> 00:35:46,610
As law and order.

140
00:35:47,250 --> 00:35:52,490
I can't contemplate life without you. I
always want to be with you. I want to

141
00:35:52,490 --> 00:35:57,910
share your every waking moment, your
every experience. I always want to be by

142
00:35:57,910 --> 00:36:01,110
your side. I never want to leave you,
not ever. Not for a moment.

143
00:36:01,630 --> 00:36:03,550
I've got to go to the ladies' room.

144
00:36:04,270 --> 00:36:05,590
I'll see you in five minutes.

145
00:36:06,010 --> 00:36:09,210
And see me a brain feeble as Trixie.

146
00:36:09,790 --> 00:36:11,170
15p for them.

147
00:36:11,630 --> 00:36:13,510
What about it, Boots? I don't know.

148
00:36:15,530 --> 00:36:16,870
You try walking in them.

149
00:36:19,710 --> 00:36:21,670
Would you wrap the price off?

150
00:36:22,410 --> 00:36:23,490
It's a gift.

151
00:36:25,510 --> 00:36:29,790
This week's episode, never kiss a
chicken on the lip.

152
00:36:38,190 --> 00:36:39,190
Yes?

153
00:36:50,990 --> 00:36:53,370
I'm going to wash that gal right out of
my hell.

154
00:36:53,570 --> 00:36:56,090
I'm going to wash that gal right out of
my hell.

155
00:36:56,650 --> 00:36:58,910
Hello, Skipper. You look flushed.

156
00:37:00,570 --> 00:37:01,710
Something's up, isn't it?

157
00:37:02,050 --> 00:37:03,590
They've got bathtub, Jim.

158
00:37:03,930 --> 00:37:04,930
Poor bathtub.

159
00:37:05,950 --> 00:37:07,030
How did it happen?

160
00:37:07,610 --> 00:37:09,150
The oldest trick in the game.

161
00:37:09,430 --> 00:37:10,670
The exploding bidet, eh?

162
00:37:12,330 --> 00:37:14,170
An old hand like Jim.

163
00:37:14,490 --> 00:37:16,550
Shut up, they asked for it, some of
them.

164
00:37:18,150 --> 00:37:19,089
I see.

165
00:37:19,090 --> 00:37:23,350
Did you? Well, those... Those bidets are
a menace. In Bolivia, some swine filled

166
00:37:23,350 --> 00:37:24,650
mine with piranha fish.

167
00:37:27,890 --> 00:37:28,890
What happened?

168
00:37:29,050 --> 00:37:30,050
Cut short my visit.

169
00:37:31,770 --> 00:37:35,130
Did they get their hands on old Jimbo's
ball cock?

170
00:37:35,390 --> 00:37:37,190
I don't know.

171
00:37:37,510 --> 00:37:40,170
If they get their hands on that, it
means 20 years' work down the drain.

172
00:37:41,310 --> 00:37:42,950
What an ingenious idea.

173
00:37:43,790 --> 00:37:47,710
Transmitting ball cock in every bathroom
in the Kremlin. We could monitor their

174
00:37:47,710 --> 00:37:48,710
every movement.

175
00:37:51,950 --> 00:37:53,750
Look at that. Where's that? There, read
that.

176
00:37:54,070 --> 00:37:56,370
Instant curry. Is it a flash in the pan?

177
00:37:57,730 --> 00:37:59,330
By Marjorie Poops, I think.

178
00:38:00,210 --> 00:38:01,970
There, there. Oh, the personal column.

179
00:38:02,310 --> 00:38:05,330
Lady with mallet wishes to meet
gentleman with bow legs.

180
00:38:06,970 --> 00:38:07,970
Objects croquet.

181
00:38:09,610 --> 00:38:13,030
Communist with knife and fork wishes to
meet capitalist with spanked kidney

182
00:38:13,030 --> 00:38:14,030
pudding.

183
00:38:14,690 --> 00:38:15,790
Try the next one.

184
00:38:16,010 --> 00:38:17,190
I love it. Nina.

185
00:38:17,610 --> 00:38:19,070
That's it. Don't you understand?

186
00:38:19,470 --> 00:38:20,630
I love it. I love it.

187
00:38:21,320 --> 00:38:23,200
So do I, but I don't go on about it.

188
00:38:23,700 --> 00:38:25,360
I love it. I love it.

189
00:38:26,520 --> 00:38:28,280
You've been eating meat again, haven't
you?

190
00:38:28,820 --> 00:38:29,820
I love it.

191
00:38:30,020 --> 00:38:31,020
Backwards.

192
00:38:37,280 --> 00:38:39,380
Well, I love it. Backwards.

193
00:38:39,600 --> 00:38:40,720
I love it.

194
00:38:41,300 --> 00:38:42,300
Tivoli. Tivoli.

195
00:38:42,760 --> 00:38:43,780
That's it. Don't you see?

196
00:38:44,260 --> 00:38:46,020
Nina must have made it to the Tivoli
bar.

197
00:38:46,380 --> 00:38:49,560
If anyone can get their hands on old Jim
Bear's ball cock, it's Nina.

198
00:38:51,080 --> 00:38:52,660
You'd better get over there right away.

199
00:38:52,940 --> 00:38:56,220
Right -o, Skipper. By the way, where is
this Tivoli bar?

200
00:38:56,720 --> 00:38:57,720
Istanbul.

201
00:38:58,660 --> 00:38:59,660
Istanbul?

202
00:39:00,440 --> 00:39:01,540
Here are your instructions.

203
00:39:01,920 --> 00:39:03,600
As always, read them.

204
00:39:03,920 --> 00:39:06,660
Right. Then memorize them.

205
00:40:31,310 --> 00:40:33,190
I've got a lovely bunch of coconut.

206
00:40:35,090 --> 00:40:39,170
What a funny little animal is the flea.

207
00:40:42,110 --> 00:40:45,070
You cannot tell a he from a she.

208
00:40:45,770 --> 00:40:47,250
But he can.

209
00:40:47,650 --> 00:40:49,670
And so can she.

210
00:40:50,090 --> 00:40:51,090
Whoopee.

211
00:40:53,310 --> 00:40:54,930
There was a little man.

212
00:40:55,450 --> 00:40:58,350
He had a little gun.

213
00:40:58,710 --> 00:40:59,930
And his bullet.

214
00:41:02,160 --> 00:41:05,720
And he shot a little duck in the
parson's nose.

215
00:41:06,580 --> 00:41:09,360
And it went straight through to the
vicarage.

216
00:41:10,900 --> 00:41:14,140
The boy stood on the burning duck.

217
00:41:14,440 --> 00:41:17,760
The flames rolled past his legs.

218
00:41:18,680 --> 00:41:23,080
Nobody has a meal he won't eat smoked
eel.

219
00:41:24,520 --> 00:41:27,360
And he can't stand hard -boiled eggs.

220
00:41:31,760 --> 00:41:36,060
There may be people here from the
Eastern Bloc. Balkans. It's true, I tell

221
00:41:36,820 --> 00:41:39,380
Everywhere. Tell me, where are you
stationed?

222
00:41:40,000 --> 00:41:41,460
Spies never tell.

223
00:41:41,920 --> 00:41:43,280
But they can hint.

224
00:41:43,760 --> 00:41:47,420
I must go to work soon.

225
00:41:48,420 --> 00:41:50,340
I cannot put Romania.

226
00:41:51,760 --> 00:41:54,580
I must eat. I am hungry.

227
00:42:03,340 --> 00:42:04,380
my pay packet.

228
00:42:05,400 --> 00:42:07,860
No, you come from pay packet.

229
00:42:51,980 --> 00:42:53,020
anything just now. Ha!

230
00:42:53,480 --> 00:42:54,480
The fool.

231
00:42:58,720 --> 00:43:00,700
Right. No, the fool, Zacho.

232
00:43:00,920 --> 00:43:03,580
You'll never put one over on me, not as
long as you've got all in your...

233
00:45:19,600 --> 00:45:20,399
Where's Nina?

234
00:45:20,400 --> 00:45:21,400
Don't shoot.

235
00:45:21,800 --> 00:45:22,800
Nina is...

236
00:46:35,980 --> 00:46:40,120
Turkey. I don't like you saying I went
to the Tivoli bar at Istanbul.

237
00:46:40,700 --> 00:46:42,600
Istanbul? You idiot.

238
00:46:42,860 --> 00:46:45,200
I said the Tivoli bar at the Istanbul.

239
00:46:45,780 --> 00:46:47,940
The hotel at Istanbul.